a flashback came upon me last night as i made my way to a soiree.

it was the first warm day in london, full of promise of the summer that is to come.
the air held that certain smell, the scent of liberation and sexual energy, where people can't help but smile as they walk down the street at night on their way out, with a bounce in their step.

it made me remember my freshman year in college. i had a crush on a guy whom i'd known from high school. i'd sit on my balcony smoking cigarettes in the warm summer air that was scented from the frangipani tree in the yard, listening to tlc's 'digging on you' and feeling this intense longing for someone.

he fancied me, but only in a physical way. i'd gone from being a fat slob that no one liked in high school to a skinny siren no one wanted beyond a few kisses and feels. i think somewhere at home i still have a letter or two he wrote about needing to ensure we don't just jump on each other everytime we meet because he does not like me beyond the physical shit, and being a christian it was even harder for him to reconcile how he was acting with his faith. i felt like some jezabel.

i'd seen this guy ocassionally through the years as we have mutual friends, and he is always friendly when we meet, though i get the uncomfortable sense that he still sees me as some sex bomb who puts out. like i'm boxed in as the type of girl guys have fun with but won't get serious about. and the thing is, i don't really care what he feels. he's since married a distant friend of mine, and i do wish them well.

the thing is, looking back, whilst i was hurt, that was minor league soreness compared to how i am now. i don't know if it was because this happened more than a decade ago and i've given plenty of other men to chip away at my heart. but it gives me hope that maybe the guys who now seem so important to me will one day be people i look back upon and go 'ah, what was i thinking with the folly and ignorance of youth?'

right now, it doesn't seem so.

i miss my ex - even though deep down inside i know he's not the right person, because there are faults in him that i frown upon. regardless of how he feels (or rather, doesn't feel) about me. but we did have good times together and maybe the wound is still fresh enough that he's still a central character in this chapter of my life.

and then i get to thinking of the one who got away, who's girlfriend is moving in with him in a few week's time. how can i keep thinking of someone who doesn't feel the same way after five years? i can understand in the past i could be idealising him because the timing was never right for us. we never lived in the same city. but now that we are, you would think i'd be smart enough to realise that nothing will ever happen. i can't even hold a decent conversation with him. there's a sense of nervousness or need to impress so deep down inside that i babble or say stupid things. or maybe we just don't work well together and truely have nothing to say to each other.

why is it so hard to move on? is it because he's still part of my life? is it because he cares about me as a person that i feel an even greater attraction and affection for him because of his kindness? is it his natural charm that just draws men and women to him like crumbs to butter?

there are some people out there that make you feel like you can reach for the stars.
a cheeky smile.
a warm hand reaching out to grasp yours to pull you through a couple deep in conversation between the two of you - just so you can stand next to him, not talking, just to get closer to the stage to watch the band.
firm hugs that envelope your whole being.
a twinkle in the eye when they look at you.

and you know they make everyone feel like that, and that's what makes them special. but you still hold on to the hope deep down inside that you're the only person they give that extra special treatment to. which really is not the case, and which is why they are beloved by others - because they are genuine and sincere in their love for their friends.

i'm so delusional.
the one who got away was being kind, to make sure that he wasn't hurting me with his moved on life. and he was going through great efforts to ensure that i didn't feel left out or excluded.

and i had to go create a fantasy world, all deluded, and mistake kindness and friendly brotherly affection for something latent that did not exist. i am so ashamed and frustrated with myself for reading into something that is not there.

still kicking myself. ouch.

sometimes you think you've grasped the notion that the guy you like has a girlfriend, and you should move on.

then it hits you that you really haven't come to grips with it, and you embarrass yourself a little. and you cringe a little, but that's all cool too. because it's all part of the learning experience.

you just hope that the stupid little things you do or say does not affect your friendships. it's too late to take it back, so you hope that everything's ok.

maybe if i keep telling myself everything's ok it will be.
yeah right.

lucy's in a little sticky web.
after four months of flirtatious foreplay, she consummated her relationship with the new guy.
the only problem is the new guy knows her ex.

and whilst the act was earthshattering, she's now just as shattered with the guilt. so she's escaped to nyc for easter.

poor lucy. it's tough being friends with a bunch of top people. because what happens is that you meet other cool likeminded people. and eventually you'll like one of them. and the more attracted you are to them, the more likely they are to know your ex.

it's a new form of cocooning. a distinct little group of people who meet another distinct group of people and your circle grows and expands so that all these little circles intertwine. which means the awkward post-relationship groove gets dragged out further.

what is the protocol with exes? i have dated one or two of my friend's exes, but never before they have met the loves of their lives. it's just too awkward, and i am not the type of girl to covet my friend's men anyway. michaela shares my mantra. she makes like a same polar magnet and avoids her friends' exes at all cost. i have dated several guys who know each other though. one of them actually asked the permission of - or rather, broke the news to - my ex before we made our relationship official. (one has to go on a date or two to realise it's worth stiring the waters for). some people in friendship groups seem to just swap boyfriends. whilst this happens more during high school, i have seen it in grown ups. it's just too bizzaire. there's so many fish out there, swim to another school...

the one that got away and i stand quite close together when we talk.
the voices in my head wonder if actually it's me who stands really really really close to him whenever we're talking. i'm the one who's closing the deal. acting like a nerdy stalker.

or he just stands really closely to everyone he talks to, and i'm overanalysing this again.

i suppose it's good that i am not looking at him all the time so i do not know for sure that he stands really closely to everyone. maybe he just has really inclusive body language, and that's why you feel so special around him.

the fact that i'm reading so much into this is quite sad.

but it's just so sexy to be standing there with your limbs grazing each other's. or sitting with your knees touching. it's the little things that are exciting because they are teasing and full or potential. it all probably means nothing but because nothing is set and everything is suggestive your mind is free to make up anything it wants to, and it appreciates that tangent it can fly off.

when you were little, and had a crush on a guy, you'd feel all klutzy when he was near.
you'd loose the ability to focus on anything - except perhaps how cute he is.
you'll probably also trip over anything.
loose your appetite.

but the your heart would beat real fast.

the thing about my last boyfriend, mr. i thought he was right, was that he never made my heart beat faster. yet seeing him was like coming home. comfortable, warm, lovely. it was nice.
everytime i see the one who got away, i get a little bit excited. even seeing his name flash up on my phone or on email sends my heart on a little exercise trip.

what does it all mean? is it because he remains a crush, a mystery, that my body reacts like a teenager to a crush? or is it some profound connection? does his heart beat slightly faster when he sees me too? there's no way of knowing. i act pretty normal, so does he, so maybe it's all in my mind. which is what my girlfriend have been telling me, and i think it's time i listened to them. especially as i know i'll be meeting ol' fish's girlfriend pretty soon. after all, she is now known to me by name, not a mystery potential girlfriend living across the atlantic.

so, putting mr. got away out of my mind, saturday night i went to a party that lucy invited me to. it was a potential relationship minefield. not for me, but for lucy. for her ex boyfriend was also there. and so was the guy who lucy's got a thing for. i arrived around eleven, and the party was still very tame. this was a laid back honest crowd who are very fashionably late (the shindig started at 9pm after all). knowing that my crew were due any moment, i was able to comfortably walk around and talk to strangers. a few cute strangers too. all very young, but nevertheless good conversation.

lucy turns up an hour later with the hosts of the party, looking ravishing and ready to party. and party we did, martinis went down like kool aid as we all made merry and danced our socks off.

when you know both parties of a couple, it's wierd to see them with new people. you feel like you're also involved and you're not sure where your loyalties lie. you want both of them to be happy, but having been there recently you know the wound has not yet healed, no matter how much you like the new person. althought six months is quite sufficient time to be moving onwards and upwards.

so it got to that point in the night where i was suitably partied up. the vodka was flowing, the joints loosened up and arms and legs were flying everywhere as people bopped to the groove of the djs. and then the grinding started, and it was wierd to see lucy's ex with his hands on the hips of some wierd blonde. i couldn't handle it. but i perked up when i saw lucy on the couch chatting to the new guy, so suddenly balance was restored.

i left alone, texting a friend for company as i waited for the night bus. sometimes, you feel a sense of completeness arriving and leaving a party alone. i think it's a sign of being grown up - you have enough confidence to walk into a joint alone, and don't feel a need to leave on the arm of some young hottie on your way out. and by the time i got home an hour later, bed was a welcome warm haven.

the lip kiss.

is it a sign of intimacy, or a way to impose intimacy? are people lip kissers because they are genuinely affectionate, or do they do it because it's cool to seem intimate with other cool people?
and how does a lip kiss work - do you invite it yourself because you subconsciously offer your lips to meet theirs?

or do you reach up/down and find your lips make contact with theirs?
coming from a family who doesn't even hug, kissing is a big thing. some people lip kiss their family, regardless of gender. i find that really strange. so maybe i read a bit more into the lip kissing that i should.

the one who got away lip kisses me. but i know i'm not the only one. it's just a sign of friendship.
so i should stop thinking about it. because it means nothing. americans do it all the time. my girlfriends and i do it.

but lately it seems to be a trend that's catching on in this town. half of the men i know now lipkiss me. and i'm sure they do it to a whole lot of other women - instead of notches on bedposts, the new way is lipkissing across genders.
it's the new way of saying i'm hip, i'm cool, and i'm really intimate with my friends.

i had a friend who was a lip kisser wannabe. it just seemed wrong for him to lipkiss. maybe because he wasn't a social person, had a strange sense of humour, worked in a field where people don't even cheek kiss hello. it felt like he was um, 'coping a feel' as the australians would say. poor guy.

and i'm way too judgemental.