when you were little, and had a crush on a guy, you'd feel all klutzy when he was near.
you'd loose the ability to focus on anything - except perhaps how cute he is.
you'll probably also trip over anything.
loose your appetite.

but the your heart would beat real fast.

the thing about my last boyfriend, mr. i thought he was right, was that he never made my heart beat faster. yet seeing him was like coming home. comfortable, warm, lovely. it was nice.
everytime i see the one who got away, i get a little bit excited. even seeing his name flash up on my phone or on email sends my heart on a little exercise trip.

what does it all mean? is it because he remains a crush, a mystery, that my body reacts like a teenager to a crush? or is it some profound connection? does his heart beat slightly faster when he sees me too? there's no way of knowing. i act pretty normal, so does he, so maybe it's all in my mind. which is what my girlfriend have been telling me, and i think it's time i listened to them. especially as i know i'll be meeting ol' fish's girlfriend pretty soon. after all, she is now known to me by name, not a mystery potential girlfriend living across the atlantic.

so, putting mr. got away out of my mind, saturday night i went to a party that lucy invited me to. it was a potential relationship minefield. not for me, but for lucy. for her ex boyfriend was also there. and so was the guy who lucy's got a thing for. i arrived around eleven, and the party was still very tame. this was a laid back honest crowd who are very fashionably late (the shindig started at 9pm after all). knowing that my crew were due any moment, i was able to comfortably walk around and talk to strangers. a few cute strangers too. all very young, but nevertheless good conversation.

lucy turns up an hour later with the hosts of the party, looking ravishing and ready to party. and party we did, martinis went down like kool aid as we all made merry and danced our socks off.

when you know both parties of a couple, it's wierd to see them with new people. you feel like you're also involved and you're not sure where your loyalties lie. you want both of them to be happy, but having been there recently you know the wound has not yet healed, no matter how much you like the new person. althought six months is quite sufficient time to be moving onwards and upwards.

so it got to that point in the night where i was suitably partied up. the vodka was flowing, the joints loosened up and arms and legs were flying everywhere as people bopped to the groove of the djs. and then the grinding started, and it was wierd to see lucy's ex with his hands on the hips of some wierd blonde. i couldn't handle it. but i perked up when i saw lucy on the couch chatting to the new guy, so suddenly balance was restored.

i left alone, texting a friend for company as i waited for the night bus. sometimes, you feel a sense of completeness arriving and leaving a party alone. i think it's a sign of being grown up - you have enough confidence to walk into a joint alone, and don't feel a need to leave on the arm of some young hottie on your way out. and by the time i got home an hour later, bed was a welcome warm haven.