a flashback came upon me last night as i made my way to a soiree.
it was the first warm day in london, full of promise of the summer that is to come.
the air held that certain smell, the scent of liberation and sexual energy, where people can't help but smile as they walk down the street at night on their way out, with a bounce in their step.
it made me remember my freshman year in college. i had a crush on a guy whom i'd known from high school. i'd sit on my balcony smoking cigarettes in the warm summer air that was scented from the frangipani tree in the yard, listening to tlc's 'digging on you' and feeling this intense longing for someone.
he fancied me, but only in a physical way. i'd gone from being a fat slob that no one liked in high school to a skinny siren no one wanted beyond a few kisses and feels. i think somewhere at home i still have a letter or two he wrote about needing to ensure we don't just jump on each other everytime we meet because he does not like me beyond the physical shit, and being a christian it was even harder for him to reconcile how he was acting with his faith. i felt like some jezabel.
i'd seen this guy ocassionally through the years as we have mutual friends, and he is always friendly when we meet, though i get the uncomfortable sense that he still sees me as some sex bomb who puts out. like i'm boxed in as the type of girl guys have fun with but won't get serious about. and the thing is, i don't really care what he feels. he's since married a distant friend of mine, and i do wish them well.
the thing is, looking back, whilst i was hurt, that was minor league soreness compared to how i am now. i don't know if it was because this happened more than a decade ago and i've given plenty of other men to chip away at my heart. but it gives me hope that maybe the guys who now seem so important to me will one day be people i look back upon and go 'ah, what was i thinking with the folly and ignorance of youth?'
right now, it doesn't seem so.
i miss my ex - even though deep down inside i know he's not the right person, because there are faults in him that i frown upon. regardless of how he feels (or rather, doesn't feel) about me. but we did have good times together and maybe the wound is still fresh enough that he's still a central character in this chapter of my life.
and then i get to thinking of the one who got away, who's girlfriend is moving in with him in a few week's time. how can i keep thinking of someone who doesn't feel the same way after five years? i can understand in the past i could be idealising him because the timing was never right for us. we never lived in the same city. but now that we are, you would think i'd be smart enough to realise that nothing will ever happen. i can't even hold a decent conversation with him. there's a sense of nervousness or need to impress so deep down inside that i babble or say stupid things. or maybe we just don't work well together and truely have nothing to say to each other.
why is it so hard to move on? is it because he's still part of my life? is it because he cares about me as a person that i feel an even greater attraction and affection for him because of his kindness? is it his natural charm that just draws men and women to him like crumbs to butter?
it was the first warm day in london, full of promise of the summer that is to come.
the air held that certain smell, the scent of liberation and sexual energy, where people can't help but smile as they walk down the street at night on their way out, with a bounce in their step.
it made me remember my freshman year in college. i had a crush on a guy whom i'd known from high school. i'd sit on my balcony smoking cigarettes in the warm summer air that was scented from the frangipani tree in the yard, listening to tlc's 'digging on you' and feeling this intense longing for someone.
he fancied me, but only in a physical way. i'd gone from being a fat slob that no one liked in high school to a skinny siren no one wanted beyond a few kisses and feels. i think somewhere at home i still have a letter or two he wrote about needing to ensure we don't just jump on each other everytime we meet because he does not like me beyond the physical shit, and being a christian it was even harder for him to reconcile how he was acting with his faith. i felt like some jezabel.
i'd seen this guy ocassionally through the years as we have mutual friends, and he is always friendly when we meet, though i get the uncomfortable sense that he still sees me as some sex bomb who puts out. like i'm boxed in as the type of girl guys have fun with but won't get serious about. and the thing is, i don't really care what he feels. he's since married a distant friend of mine, and i do wish them well.
the thing is, looking back, whilst i was hurt, that was minor league soreness compared to how i am now. i don't know if it was because this happened more than a decade ago and i've given plenty of other men to chip away at my heart. but it gives me hope that maybe the guys who now seem so important to me will one day be people i look back upon and go 'ah, what was i thinking with the folly and ignorance of youth?'
right now, it doesn't seem so.
i miss my ex - even though deep down inside i know he's not the right person, because there are faults in him that i frown upon. regardless of how he feels (or rather, doesn't feel) about me. but we did have good times together and maybe the wound is still fresh enough that he's still a central character in this chapter of my life.
and then i get to thinking of the one who got away, who's girlfriend is moving in with him in a few week's time. how can i keep thinking of someone who doesn't feel the same way after five years? i can understand in the past i could be idealising him because the timing was never right for us. we never lived in the same city. but now that we are, you would think i'd be smart enough to realise that nothing will ever happen. i can't even hold a decent conversation with him. there's a sense of nervousness or need to impress so deep down inside that i babble or say stupid things. or maybe we just don't work well together and truely have nothing to say to each other.
why is it so hard to move on? is it because he's still part of my life? is it because he cares about me as a person that i feel an even greater attraction and affection for him because of his kindness? is it his natural charm that just draws men and women to him like crumbs to butter?
posted by londoncitizengirl at 5:05 PM
1 Comments:
I loved the scene you set at the beginning of this post... describing the warmth, the smells, the energy that was around you. The description of yourself smoking cigarettes on your balcony drew me in and made me want to know more... an interesting read.
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