i give up

i'm angry at myself.
for letting myself get worked up about a guy
to the point of dressing up. cute little black dress, heels, and stay up hoisery.

he called me mate and didn't kiss me at the end of the night after we went to my friend's gig.

i'm not ugly or boring or mean. well not most of the time. he thought i was 'fit'. so what went wrong?

i forget. i'm a new yorker at heart, and he's english. we'd never work out. i'd be too agressive and neurotic. he'd be too polite and under-the-carpet.

i'm just so fed up. he holds me all night, then doesn't even kiss me. doesn't even invite me over. what's with that? did i suddenly get boring? dorky? uninteresting? cold?

i don't think a girl is being cold if she touches your arm. or thanks you for the drink. or suggests she may bring you along on a holiday. maybe that's what did it. a cursory 'let's use my freebie perks' comment.

i hate all men.
i'm so fed up with myself for even entertaining the possiblity of positivity.

time to channel all efforts into work agian. and making enough money so i can be self sufficient and enjoy nice things by myself. because frankly, it costs more to live a single lifestyle these days.

i'm so angry at myself for liking this guy it's so not funny.

grr.