after a long period of web absence due to the english summer and nights out, i find myself back online again with multicoloured thoughts swrilling into a muddy concoction in my head.

life is a normal bittersweet sweat, with highs and lows like the doodles of a preschooler trying to draw a mountain skyline. with bits of chocolate (good) and canned spaghetti (bad) smeared across the page.

last night for the first time in months, i met a guy who i was attracted to. he was cute, fun, and when we were still up at 3am in the morning sitting on a bench in the warm night air with his arm resting on the seat behind me and our sides touching, it entered my mind it would be great to kiss him.

but i didn't, and there were many reasons. he's the friend of a girl who's almost like a sister to me, and i think she likes him. i got the feeling that she liked him from the way she interacted with him. maybe i was seeing intimacy and fondness heightened from our party enhanced state. or maybe it was my own acute awareness. but either way, she is not a girl who is possesive of her male friends (unlike yours truely), so i had a hunch that her feelings may be on the side of more than friendship. reason one to exit stage left. he's also a bit younger than me and given the state of my fragile ageism would not be good. strike two. even if reasons one and two didn't exist, we were in a small party, so it would have been very rude to make out like a bunch of teenagers.

but at the leave start to brown and the air turns colder, there's a glimmer of hope and a bout of spring in my psyche which hopefully will carry me through the next few weeks of craziness.