can you fear what you don't even have?

this afternoon i went for tea at my very grown up friend jessie's place. jessie and her husband live in a very grown up multi-bedroom-multi-story house in west london, complete with basement. it gives me a certain sense of comfort to be in jessie's company. despite the fact that i'm a complete mess in comparison - though if i was president of my company or some other big shot ceo, i would not be a mess. what's the point of deciding to commit to your career instead of a family and then realise that your career is going nowhere?

anyway. jessie completely freaked me out by talk about the competitive pre-school market in london. i thought city schools were bad, but it's just as crazy here. three hour tests for three year olds just to get into the right preschool.

i'm used to chalking up a guy's academic pedigree as a plus point if you were serious about him. legacy placements seem ridiculous until you're checking out schools for your goddaughter. that's when you're relieved that her parents are smart, went to ivy league schools and she seems a happy (and not being biased of course, perfect, vivacious, smart) child with buckletloads of charm.

the thing is, i don't even know if i can have children, and by the time i get around to it, by the time i meet the right guy and decide i'm ready and he decides he wants me and all that, i'll probably have to do a brad and angelina before shiloh. but this whole competitive school thing scared me big time. is it more competitive now because there are so many more people on the planet? or has it always been this way and we never noticed because we were legacy kids?

how can you fear what you don't even have?