it's just a symptom that something is wrong

i like to think my fear of commitment is rooted in a belief that once you get hitched, that's it. you've signed yourself up for life, you're going to make it work for better for worse. not till boredom sets in/i've changed too much/you've become a psycho do us part.

i've been dating someone, and it's occurred to me that we've been dating for 4 years.

i'm fond of him but i don't think i love him. nor do i think he loves me.

what i'm not sure about is if either of us are capable of that notion of romantic love.

the other night i met a guy who is still on my mind. we stood in the freezing cold at a bus stop and in between momentary grasps of my hand (how cute is that, holding hands at the bus stop, like you are 5), in comparison to something we were discussing, he looked me in the eye and mentioned that exciting feeling in your gut when you fall in love. and i don't know if it was that reference, or the look in his eye, or the fact that he held my hand, that makes him linger in my mind.

that night did end awkwardly. we caught the same bus home. i noticed we were approaching his stop. he volunteered to ride to my stop and cab home. to which i immediately said that was not necessary, kissed him on both cheeks, upon which he promptly left without a backward glance. i should point out at this stage i had withdrawn my hands and was actually trying not to hurl from the alcohol consumption earlier that evening.

i texted our mutual friend to tell him to get in contact if he wants to keep in touch. i've heard nothing from either. i've googled (which i see as due diligence but seen by some friends as stalking) and found a work e-mail for him. it's been 2 days and i have not heard a peep. so either he was so offended or his ego so bruised he doesn't want to get in touch, he's playing the 3 day rule game, he's been away, he's tied up at work and exhausted and hasn't checked his email, he doesn't check his work email that often, he's been fired, he's married, he's seeing someone, or he's just not that into me and i read too much into an evening with an average cocktail consumption of 5 per person. if he's married then the radio silence is perfectly fine.

for anything else, who knows it may just be a sign from fate that we're not meant to be, that the universe is stopping me from making a huge mistake, or that in a sober state i would never consider him and thus fate is sparing me from that what was i thinking feeling in the cold sober light of day.

what this does though is raise my ability to commit, and the state of my current relationship.

the longest relationship i've sustained is 3 years. it ended when i found myself attracted to someone at work, whom i made out with several times. that relationship ended soon after. we'd stopped having sex anyway, which in hindsight he said was due to a feeling he had that i was everywhere in his apartment. that is not a good sign, and the breakup would be the best thing to happen to me. In my current relationship we tend to have sex when he wants to rather than me, though it may be related to my larger sex drive.

maybe i'm waiting for the one, which is why i haven't forced a commitment from the guy i'm dating. or maybe i just know i'm not the type of person who can resist temptation down the line. either way, i can't stop thinking about someone else. i don't remember what he looks like, though i remember upon meeting him that i didn't feel sparks nor thought he was attractive. i remember he has very nice strong hands and blue green eyes.