thanks to my impoverished bank account, i decided not to go back to the city for christmas or new year's this year. so i find myself alone in my apartment this christmas eve, listening to chet baker and musing about what it is i really want and how i'm going to achieve it in the coming year. london is even more quiet than new york city during the holidays.

all this is making me think a bit more than i want to be thinking. like how spy guy is away until the new year, and right this moment spending christmas with his family, probably including the wife and kids. not that i want to know, but in that morbid way, i do want to know. four years is a long time to be separated - don't people normally get a divorce by then? unless they are actually thinking of working it out. which if you have kids and if you still love each other sounds like the right thing to do. so maybe that's what he's thinking of doing, which is why he's not calling the way guys do when they are interested. i seriously doubt he's holding back because i'm seeing someone else.

i've come to the realization that i want true love. someone who is confidently, enthusiastically and wholeheartedly in love with me. someone who feels inspired by me, who likewise inspires me to be anything i want to be. i've never experienced that mutually with someone. it sucks when you like them more, and it sucks even more when you know someone loves you and you just don't feel the same way - even though you think he is a fabulous person.