what real women want

some women have such low self esteem that they have to justify their existence with men. it made me realise that what i love about savannah and cynthia is that they do not need that. they can both cover their cleavage up and ooze sex appeal and grace and have a great time. cynthia realised she loved mitch, so she broke up with her boyfriend. that is integrity.

and it's rare in this town.

and now they are enjoying being with each other. and despite the shit that hit the fan, and the anger we all felt, i am happy for them. they took a chance, and they are making it work.

call me old fashioned. and probably not a true new yorker. but i do not believe in breaking up relationships. if he's miserable, fine. go and break up before you do anything else. i mean, how else are you going to base a future if there are lies?

i had drinks with savannah and her friend pearl who's an asian australian. beautiful girl, amazing figure yet like all girls thinks she's not in shape. and quite friendly and nice. but she's just come out of a long relationship where she felt rejected for years. a sex free zone where after 2 years she started having affairs. and i can't respect that. you have one affair, realise something's wrong, and you leave. you don't keep hanging on to a man to support you, emotionally and financially, and screw people on the side. you have no kids, you have no reason to stay. enough said.

don't get me wrong. maybe i envy pearl's ability to entice men. but no, typing that out loud, i don't get that sinking feeling of the ugly truth, or that shocking realisation of what i've been surpressing. i admire her appeal to men. that's rare and hard in this town. it's not like nyc where men speak to women and anything is game and you go out on dates with as many people as you want and it's all about having fun, with or without your clothes on. but it shouldn't have to feel like you're justifying your existence with validation of your sex appeal with the opposite sex. you want to enjoy someone's company, male or female, and if there's a slight buzz of sexual appeal and flirtation that's a bonus. maybe i'm scared one day i'll turn into her. although i am losing my looks and i think my sexual aura.

i like my own company. i'm lucky to have good friends, and at the end of the day, a family who loves me even despite all the shit. i like exploring the city alone, but i also like going on dates, laughing, and maybe a nice kiss or more at the end of the night. but i want respect. i'm a new yorker. i want to be desired, but i want to be respected for my personality and be viewed as a sexy woman.

and one day, i want an equal partnership and love, and someone who thinks the world of me, despite all my quirks and faults. someone who wants to work through the bad times, and soak in all the good times. someone i can sit in silence with, lie back on with his arm around me as we read our respective sections of the paper with a pot of coffee and brunch in front of us whilst the sunlight streams through the window into the living room. reading interesting bits of news to each other from our papers. me nuzzling his arm. him nuzzling my hair, dropping little kisses on my head.

guess next thing i'll be imaging birds dressing me and mice sewing my clothes. which is good as i can't sew to save my life.

caring doesn't mean sharing

typically, after the mini tornado of activity, all has gone quiet in the romance department. sometimes i wonder if deep down inside i'm holding out for prince charming. who's busy with cinderella, snow white, sleeping beauty, and lord knows who else, and thus may not get to my doorstep for a few centuries.

the thing that worries me about getting involved with someone is that inevitably you lose a bit of yourself. and having exited the pleasant whirlwind of dateage, i find myself doing things i loved, but forgot to do, again. hanging out at my favorite bar with a glass of wine and a book. going to the movies alone. dinners with the gang. gallery hopping.

it's not that i can't do this with someone, it's just they are bits i don't just share with anyone, and when you're dating someone new you want to explore even newer things to do before dipping into your personal 'me-time' pool to share. and they don't need the pressure of meeting the friends until you're exclusively dating. it's too messy otherwise. or maybe i'm just to selfish...

i had dinner with savannah at shoreditch house last night. in between martinis i mentioned how i forgot to do things for myself when i was dating those guys. in between work, dating, work, and friends, there's not much time for me. and whilst i started doing those me things before i got a job, before the gang moved over from the city, what started out as a typically curious way to explore a new town and alleviate boredom is actually something that i appreciate. like me, savannah is open to exploring all kinds of things and will sign up for anything interesting and legal. and whilst she confesses she does this with a secret 'meeting men' agenda, she genuinely likes exploring and learning new things. so at the end of the day, savannah, like i, does things for herself.

after too many martinis conversation turned to the inevitable mentalk. sav has a new theory. because we genuinely like solo adventures, and enjoy our own company, we are seen as too independent and actually fly much higher than the typical male radar. add that to a healthy dose of new yorkerisms, not being a size 2 and wearing high necked tops and baggy jeans that hide whatever assets we hold, we apparently send out 'i don't need anyone but you are allowed to come join the party if we deem you're worth it' vibes. thus our half a decade singleness (each). i like being independent. i also like being perceived as independent. and is there something wrong with me that i am not freaked out yet than i'm alone? i'm sure it will hit in the next few months, but i really do not want to be one of those women with 'desperate to get hitched and start becoming a baby machine, move to conneticut and have a range rover, housekeeper and gardner. a house in the hamptons though is another matter...

i was ichating with chemistry boy the other night. amongst other things he said that he enjoyed our non-sexual snooze that afternoon. typically as a female i'm thinking 'what does he mean? does he just mean that as nice like you would after a good meal? or does he actually like spending time with me when it's pg fun?'

i hardly know him. and it's not like i'm desperate for male attention. or that i feel this amazing connection of souls. but i find myself becoming quite fond of him. even though i have a feeling i'm serving a transitional-get-over-ex role in his life.

my friend maddison was in town the other day. and we talked about her new boyfriend, and the men i am dating. she said she gets butterflies when she sees her boyfriend. i don't think i've ever had butterflies. maybe once kissing my college boyfriend. for me, it's either going through the motions because you just gotta get some, it's friendly, or it's hot with this magnetic field of sorts.

i like this field, this energy that creates a slight buzz when you're with them. it's not constant, it happens when you least expect it. like when you're sitting in a car together driving to work on monday morning and you just feel this slight buzz. where you just want to reach across and kiss them senseless. only they are probably consumed by what is happening at work that day and thus unaware of it all. it's hard to tell with english guys if they feel the same way you do and are holding everything back in that mr. darcy way. or if they really don't give a shit and you're just imagining it all in your head. although i think i'm old enough to trust my gut instinct - usually if i suspect and man is interested, he is. at least for a nookie...

i'm confused. which is not a unique state of being for me.

attraction is a strange thing. there's sexual attraction, then there's that deep foundation that makes you want to be with someone. and these days, it seems that it's all about sexual attraction.

living in a city means you sleep with many random people. it's a numbers game.

i kinda like two boys at the moment. i've developed an attachment to chemistry boy which is not healthy, considering what our mutual friend warned me about. then there's my close friend lucinda's roommate, who i kissed in a very drunk state last night. unlike mutual friend, lucinda is waxing lyrical about her roommate. she's selling this guy as a gentleman (yes, though for a gentleman he has some moves in bed but maybe that's just an english rough-under-the-surface thing), well loved, extremely clever, and great on paper. chemistry boy on the other hand was described as 'strange' though nice guy.

and the thing is, i just can't bring myself to sleep with gentleman guy. i don't know if it's because i'm physically more attracted to chemistry boy, or i just don't want to risk the warth of lucinda should things go pear shaped. it's hard for friends when their friends date and it doesn't work out. loyalties are divided, relationship boarders are drawn, and eventually everyone gets sick of being switzerland.