many years ago, after i'd broken up with my college boyfriend and was in the thros of independence and excitement at the possibilities that had opened up before me, i slept with a guy i'd admired for a while.

admired because he seemed great on paper. good family, a lawyer by training who decided to chase his passion like his award winning jounralist father before him, and was writing for a local paper. the fact that he was chasing his dreams and perhaps fulfilling a legacy was incredibly attractive and romantic.

so when we ended up in bed, i thought it was the beginning of something with potential. perhaps he too had admired me from afar. not just looks, but my personality and my passion for life. inevitably, that was not to be. i think he was simply lonely, and we had good conversation that led to one night in bed. i hijacked his email address from a group email a mutual friend, the one i'd met him through all those years ago, had sent. a few vague e-mails ensued, but my suggestion of meeting up for coffee was met with a 'coffee sounds great but i'm terribly busy at work at the moment'. as someone who used that excuse as a kind let down to people i wasn't interested in, i knew this was a dead end.

it bugged me for a while, but then i got involved with mr-wrong and didn't think about it for a while. but it's come back recently, when i realiesd that i have this inability to attract sane men. freaks on the street and in the park do not count. someone my age who's decent and fun just seems out of reach. they are all gay or in relationships. or, getting through relationships, or had just met someone else they were interested in and i was merely the catalyst to help them realise they want to be with this other person.

i don't mind helping get people together. maybe that's my purpose in romance. being so romantic at heart, unrealistic in my hope of meeting someone who will be totally devoted to me, in a world where that only happens twice in a billion couples, perhaps that is the best service i can do to the world of romance.

it doesn't help the lonely nights, but if it brings some people joy, then at least i can remotely feel some satisfaction in helping someone out.

today was a lovely spring, almost summer's day. bought a marc jacobs top, some books i'd been wanting to read for a while, then headed to east london to meet some friends of mine with a bbq in mind.

there we were, standing outside a liqour store debating what alcohol to bring to the party when i saw him. the rubbish english guy who's savannah's friend. with a girl. i don't think he saw me, but they crossed the market stalls and walked towards the store we were standing opposite. i grabbed cynithia and jessica and hissed that they should look at the blond with the girl in the black top. i then sent poor cynthia into the store and followed her in.

so much for an indifferent oh hello there or letting me spot him. the fact that i entered the store and he was standing in line meant i couldn't really do anything but acknowledge him. i'm not very good with strategems... neverless cheek kisses were exchanged and standard wassups. i played it way cool. he asked what i was doing in that neck of the woods, but that was about it. i guess neither of us had a strong desire to chat, and i didn't want to ask what he was doing up north either.

i couldn't help it. my heart beat faster when i spotted him. maybe because i spotted him with another girl, i don't know. and i was certainly shaking when he left. a fact which i thought was just a minor reaction in my head until cynthia pointed out i was shaking.

so i txt'd im boy about how i ran into rubbish guy when i wasn't looking hot. and bless him, im boy, who is out on a date tonight and thus also not right for me, returned a text a few hours later with loyal words of support.

i really feel lost with men in london. it's just so hard. i don't want to end up as cynical as savannah. but i feel i'm heading that way. with every man that i meet whom i like who doesn't like me back. i know deep down inside i'm waiting for the right guy to come along. not someone to marry or anything, but someone who's right for me. but it just doesn't happen. it's been 2 years and i am yet to meet a guy who likes me.

have i hit the hill?

i'm reading the nytimes wedding announcements online.

this has to be the last straw. i mean, who reads these things except women who want to get married? and i certainly don't want to get married. well, not yet.

i've never been one of those girls who envisage her wedding day. ok maybe once, in a moment of weakness. i thought about what would have happened if the one who got away and i got hitched. hamptons beach wedding, cozy but very stylish decor. great food. fine wine. jazz band, and friends jamming. i've never though about what i would wear, except not a mereunge. i haven't even thought about the designer, although vera wang is conventionally beautiful. i guess i'm trying to recreate my friend's wedding in australia on a tiny beach island a few years back. barefoot guests in glam evening gear dancing in the grass to a live jazz band on the deck. friends from all around the world gathered together to celebrate the love.

but reading the nytimes wedding style section. i must be losing it.

meanwhile, another counselling session with web guy. maybe that's my problem with all men. my agony aunt to my friends, so agony aunt vibe spreads to all men who see me as maiden aunt rather than sexy ailf.

who knows.

more whiskey awaits.

you'll never date in this town again

sometimes it definitely feels that way.

savannah is so cynical she thinks she needs to move back to the city to date. and i'm inclined to agree with her. every guy i like has baggage. i think maybe they secretly do like me and maybe they're telling me these things to suss things out. but no. they really are obsessed with someone else, and don't like me that way.

i'm sick of this. i used to be attractive! does being in your 30's suddenly make you less attractive?

i don't get it. i'm smart, funny, and cute. i'm not even looking for a boyfriend. just people to date, see a cool show, go to a nice gallery, have a drink, have fun, good conversation, and a few notches on the bedpost. and it's not even notches on the bedpost. some itches are meant to be scratched. but it looks like i better just get down to some novelty store and get a rabbit, because that's about the only thing that's going to actually want to be near me.

and now i'm getting fatter and more disillusioned and i'll never find anyone to date in this town. it's not even about finding someone to love. i look deep inside myself and to be honest i'm not looking for the one. just some nice people to sleep with. but that doesn't happen because all the nice people are hooked up already, straight or gay.

so i am trying to reconcile myself to the fact that it's going to be just me. and that's fine, if only i can have someone to bonk sporadically. is that too much to ask for?

flirt city, geek style

so i met a guy from a work thing a few weeks ago. i thought he was cute. i don't think he thought i was cute. but we kept in touch eventually, and the past 2 nights we've been im'ing each other. for 2-3 hours. and the thing is, i think he'll be a cool friend. but i'm not sure if i'm spoiling it by flirting. i think he's cute, but he's not over his ex and i know that we're not each other's type.

there's much to be credited to computers and im programs for making you say things you normally won't.

ps english guy is rubbish and blacklisted. unless he makes me dinner/takes me to a show as promised/ takes me out to posh dinner AND begs for forgiveness for being a cad. who am i kidding. he's a cad.

love is elusive in london

actually that's not true.
my friend jael moved to london for work, but also because she'd met a man a few months ago whilst recce'ing the place out. so she moves over and meets a nice jewish boy, albeit from france, and lives at his for a while whilst looking for her own apartment. 3 months later they like living together so she stays. 12 months later they get engaged after a lovely day in the city. the real city (nyc) that is.

after a few j-date adventures which resulted in nothing, she meets a guy IRL (the only way to do it) through friends and bingo. mind you she's so calm about it and so perfectly content you can't resent a happily bethrothed woman like that.

so here i am, went to a gallery with this guy i kinda liked. he's a lot younger than me so i knew it wasn't on the cards, but he's still good looking and seems nice and from our night out together with friends good fun too.

so then he invites me to go out with his friends to cruise chicks. i must have a sign saying "i'm a boy, really i am. or, you'll love me as a mate but whoa, i just don't qualify as a chick".

i'm so fed up. savannah's friend doesn't call after spending the night, and after attending a gig with me. maybe he got freaked that no one else turned up. or maybe i wasn't affectionate enough. any guy who calls me mate sends out signals of "let's just be friends". guy i kinda liked wants me to go cruise chicks with him. maybe i'm just attracted to men i know will never like me. not that i've met anyone who thinks i'm the bee's knees lately. the last one was from nye and he didn't even leave a message when he called. which in my book is "i'm not confident enought to deserve you" or "i don't care of fancy you enough to leave a message".

either way i'm craving a magnolia cupcake, a crumbs snickers bar cupcake, some tasty d'light and baglel with lox spread.

food will console me with warmth and a whole lot of love and 100% satisfaction. guaranteed.