women with beepers

my friend's dad had an expression he used to describe us.
we were young women with beepers. the metaphor was the flashing red lights in a k-mart store that you can't help but notice (even though they were advertising some mark downs, but i don't think that was extended to the metaphor. meaning our value wasn't in question).

but i knew what he meant - that we were a special small set of women who had a certain verve. a verve that people pick up on. sometimes it's men, sometimes it's women, and for me, it's little kids who smile at me when i skip down the street. it's that energy that sizzles within a person, so when you're moving from point a to point b there's a vibe in you that people can't help but feel. but i feel i'm loosing that. i don't know if it's age, or this town that's stripped it from me. i miss who i used to be i think.

i had dinner with my friend stacy tonight. she moved over here three years ago with her boyfriend whom she's since fallen out of love with. given they haven't had sex for about two years because he has self esteem issues related to body and health (which has nothing to do with size and all that jazz), she's understandably puzzled, tired, and frankly, cruising guys.

whilst she's not actively looking for someone, she has a lot of fun, and she meets a lot of men. on the subway, on the street, it's like she can't go a few feet without meeting a guy. and i think of my other single girlfriends. savannah, who's beautiful but has such a hard front and large potato on her shoulder that men can't come close. trudy who's blonde and althetic and loves men and has kissed about a dozen guys in the past few weeks, yet is obsessed with a guy whom she has all these liaisons with but they just never get it together (on account of his emotional unavailability and her love of the chase), and me, picky, judgemental, and frankly if i'm honest, loosing my looks for some reason. what happened? i used to be cute.

i don't even remember my point. i think this is just a random rant and rave.

i give up

i'm angry at myself.
for letting myself get worked up about a guy
to the point of dressing up. cute little black dress, heels, and stay up hoisery.

he called me mate and didn't kiss me at the end of the night after we went to my friend's gig.

i'm not ugly or boring or mean. well not most of the time. he thought i was 'fit'. so what went wrong?

i forget. i'm a new yorker at heart, and he's english. we'd never work out. i'd be too agressive and neurotic. he'd be too polite and under-the-carpet.

i'm just so fed up. he holds me all night, then doesn't even kiss me. doesn't even invite me over. what's with that? did i suddenly get boring? dorky? uninteresting? cold?

i don't think a girl is being cold if she touches your arm. or thanks you for the drink. or suggests she may bring you along on a holiday. maybe that's what did it. a cursory 'let's use my freebie perks' comment.

i hate all men.
i'm so fed up with myself for even entertaining the possiblity of positivity.

time to channel all efforts into work agian. and making enough money so i can be self sufficient and enjoy nice things by myself. because frankly, it costs more to live a single lifestyle these days.

i'm so angry at myself for liking this guy it's so not funny.

grr.

sometimes we all want the fairytale

pretty woman was on tv tonight. i haven't seen that movie for about ten years. and it's sweet. completely unrealistic, but that's what chick flicks are.

i'm out of cigarettes but craving it like nothing else.

had a web conversation with my ex and it just made me angry. that i let him mess me around for so long. i'm sick of letting boys mess me around. will i ever learn? people keep thinking we will get back together one day maybe, but frankly i'm just annoyed at myself for letting him jerk me around back in the day in the hopes that he'll realise he really does love me. sometimes i'm just so deluded.

i know they say when the time is right and when you're ready you'll meet the one. i'm not even looking for the one, just someone who's right for me and supports me right now. it seems impossible to find.

i think that's the difference between savannah and i. she's dating, even online dating, so she's put herself out there. but mentally she's closed off. or maybe she's just as romantic as i am, but fed up with reality. whereless i never put myself out there, instead hoping that i'll just meet someone when the time is right. so i'm open in the heart, but closed off on the surface. if you could combine the two of us you'll either have a really desparate girl, or the perfect girl. go figure.

meanwhile, savannah's friend is away skiing, i haven't heard a peep, and according to her he's still hung up on his ex whom incidentally is a married but just left her husband colleague of his. that spells trouble to me so i guess i'm back in the picking the worse guys mode.

i'm still optimistic deep down inside, but age has definitely taken its toil on my optimism...

does it matter if your heart doesn't beat faster?

after a year, well, ok over a year, i'm ready to date again.

i'm actually attracted to men again. and men who don't fit the profile of the types of guys i normally am attracted to.

i had dinner at savannah's place the other night. she'd invited english guy as well, and turned out it was just the three of us. the yenta.

what can i say, the man can cook and drives a vintage convertible. he had me after the first bite.

and bite he did when we ended up back at mine after dinner. it's nice being held all night, i'd forgotten how nice it is to feel the warmth of someone cute right next to you.

the thing is, except for the one who got away, no one has made my heart beat faster for the longest time. is that important? or is that infatuation that stops once you're grown up?

he's gone away for a few days, but he said he'd email me. funny thing that. he has my number from my email signature, but he never calls. so i can't figure out if he's just not that into me, or he's into me but playing games, or maybe, he's just got so much to sort out at the moment he doesn't want to get involved.

not that i'm ready to get involved. but it's just nice to be liked by someone who you think is kinda sexy.

not surprisingly, he hasn't emailed. i guess i violated the three day rule and emailed him first. i had a valid excuse as i'd promised for work purposes to introduce him to a friend of mine. he replied to her but not to me, so go figure. maybe i'm wasting my time again. once you're past your twenties it just feels like such a hassle. it's still fun, but mostly it's just annoying to be wanting someone to call you.

what is it about men in london? i'd like to think that seeing someone naked means you should at least call to say it was nice meeting you but i'm a commitmentphobe so you won't be hearing from me again. that at least lets you cross them off your list and move on to the next guy.