it's past midnight, and i can't sleep.

i've just downloaded gloria estafan's 'anything for you' which i am listening to as i type. that song always made me sad. even before i knew what it was like to really like someone and lose them. it's cheesy, it's 80's, it's miami sound machine. but it used to make me feel wistful in that addictive way that makes you pick a scab.

sometimes i think i'm addicted to nostalgia. the past is safe as you cannot change it, no matter how much you want to. you can beat yourself up as much as you want, but there is no pressure to deliver. and in hindsight, you forget some of the annoying quirks and the battle scares you gained trying to get there. everything looks great. it's like looking at a photograph of laughing people. all you capture is that moment of joy, of happiness.

sliding down a dangerous slope

i saw chemistry boy last night.
we had both been struck but this epidemic that is incapacitating london this month. there is the awful groundhog day cold, and the vomit bug. thank goodness we had the former.

so he was meant to pick me up from the subway station. and i even caught a faster train in anticipation of seeing him sooner. only there was a problem with his cell and i ended up waiting for 30mins.

i was furious. furious at him, at his cell phone and mostly at me, for letting a guy get to me and treat me this way. but when i saw him i did cool off a bit. and after he kissed me i started to forgive him. really, how sad is that?

so we hung out, watched a movie, fell asleep during movie and went to bed. pretty good for a wednesday night really, despite the bad territory my psyche is now in.

new year, new me?

a week into the new year, and i'm yet to kiss anyone properly.
chemistry boy has been sick of late, and i too have caught some bug of sorts which has been festering on the subway despite the london sardine tube being 20% of normal capacity.

which leads me to realise the sad truth that he isn't that attracted to me. and to be honest, it bums me out slightly. what's the point of having a lover who doesn't want to be with you often?

to make things slightly more confusing, i find myself thinking about this guy i met through savannah, her friend from home. he's wrong in so many ways, starting with the fact that he has a girlfriend, and he's born in a completely different decade to me. it's fine if they're a decade older, but unlike demi moore i prefer my men to be slightly older than me. why do i have to be such a girl and think about things more than they are?