crushed

so i have a crush on a man who doesn't even know my name.
he knows i exist and i think he's attractive, which i suppose at least doesn't make this as pathetic as it could be. and i know he doesn't have a girlfriend, because he told me, but not necessarily through the ideal scenario.

and as i suspected, i've joined this group of women who meet and become infatuated with him. i hate being a number, hate being a member of a group of people all united in some futile emotion.

i guess when you write good music, like any art, it touches people in some way and in moving them also inspires a wild affection. music is rawer than acting because it comes from who you really are. it's like writing, or art.

i really must stop getting attracted to all these creative types. it's just doing my head in. but hey at least i've been attracted to three guys this year. that's quite an achievement for me.

i love being infatuated

so i have a huge crush on this guy. i'm in a great mood. someone i hardly know, but from two encounters am completely crushin' over. it's the honeymoon stage where it hasn't hit you that a) they don't feel the same b)they live thousands of miles away from you (we're in double digit thousands. not 2, not 9.9) c)there's probably a substantial other amount of women who feel the same way as you do.

i can't stop thinking about him.

maybe that's what's great about a crush. you don't know them, and if you will never know them, the possibilities are endless.

music that makes you fall

what is it about a man with a husky, resonant voice, especially a tall dark handsome man with a guitar?

cynthia dragged me along to a gig where a friend of her boyfriend's was playing. someone from back home who, funnily enough, i never came across. and halfway through the night, when guitarboy took to the stage, i, like many girls before me i am sure, melted the moment he struck the first chord on his guitar.

reality kicked in after my good friend google told me a few things about this guy, including the amount of women who, like me, are enveloped in this cloud of longing. i think it's his voice. and if your introduction to this guy is the whole package, i guess you can't help but be slightly mesmerised. i won't say he has chutzpah, but there's something there, something about him that lets a thought like 'what would it be like to kiss him' flash through my cynical mind.

trying to keep perspective, i sent his track to im guy who helpfully pointed out the man lives across a wide ocean and we had but a fleeting moment. i guess he's right. besides a few embarrassing episodes where i clumsily interrupted him in conversation with other people, i barely spoke ten words to the guy. incidentally i'm annoyed at im guy - i give him so much support and he gives me a reality check?

inspired by that reality check on my stupid crush on someone who doesn't feel the same way, i sent my college boyfriend, who's also a musician, to this guy's webpage. college boyfriend proclaimed that the new object of my affection makes simple songs. apparently that's why it's so nice to listen to. you don't have to think. who wants to think with music? i don't even think with mahler or shostakovitch. no, i lie. i think about the construct of the music, the harmonies, and what tones create what types of feelings. but that's what i've been trying to figure out about guitarboy's music. why it moves me when i knew nothing about him until he walked on that stage.

i guess when you combine a bedroom voice that's infused with this raw earthy edge with someone who looks like berger from sex and the city, add a lot of very masculine presence, you have someone women blog over.

cynthia has a lot to answer for.

i've realised tonight that i keep avoiding things in my life
i avoid planning for my future because i'm scared i will fail
so i keep at a dead end job and let myself get treated like shit because i don't stand up for myself and try and play smart. i hate confrontation so i avoid it like a sissy and try and make everyone happy.

i keep envying other people for what they have the guts to do.
but somehow i just lack that drive. i used to have so much drive. i wonder where it went.

maybe with each passing year if you don't reach your goals you slowly start to give up. so by the time you're 35 you're a broken shell of a failed has been. which is hard to do if you've never even "been"