takin' myself right out of the ballgame.

tonight the one that got away and i met up with a few mutual friends to watch the uefa champions league final. and i realised a few things.

most importantly, i'm taking myself out of the ballgame where the one who got away is concerned. it's more important to have longevity in friendship and eternal love rather than push an issue that's a bygone. and whilst i'm a confident gal, i do lack the blinding confidence that makes one zone in on anyone she wants, confident that she'll get him, regardless of the macro and micro environmental factors. i'm enjoying the company of the women around me too much to enter into competition.

and i'm a competitive person. maybe it's because i know i'll always loose. maybe i know that these battles aren't worth it because the war is already over. or maybe i just lack the self esteem to win and take myself out to avoid the dissapointment.

either way i realised that i am not open to new relationships with the opposite gender due to the fact that i'm still in love with two different guys. both who do not love me sexually, but love me as a friend. the sensible optimistic friend alert part of me thinks this is great - their affection for me. but the romantic female side of me has been burnt to the point of chargrilled black toast where i think it will be another year before i venture forth to return (or even seek) the affections of a member of the opposite sex. the last two men i truely loved found me lacking in some way. or us lacking in some way. and maybe because i could never have them that i wanted them. but whatever it is, i'm prepared for a long and winding road that's not going to lead me to anyone in the distant future.