solo friday nights

it's friday and i'm home enjoying my own company.

the thing is, i'd rather be having a drink on some pavement, or even holed up in a cocktail bar with spy guy enjoying a martini indoors. it's warm, it's light, it's spring, and i'm alone.

i met a guy on earlier this week. it occurred to me after the champagne wore off that anyone who lives in conneticut is likely married with 2 kids under the age of ten. which, frankly, is spy guy's situation. but it has hit home that no one eligible is around, or no one baggageless is around. and given i told him to look me up on facebook, when i'm unsearchable on facebook, is probably all for the best. the last thing i need is to start enjoying and wanting sex with another married man. who, if he lives in ct, is probably married married, not separated married.

that's it. tomorrow i'm going out, and i'm going to go and enjoy a date with myself.

a slight drizzle

it seems that i either like no one, and like no one for months, and then suddenly in the space of a fortnight i like two people. makes life more dramatic, but i'd like a more even pace of drama. though maybe then it would be less fun.

interestingly both men are english, and not american, so i must be breaking a trend. and neither of them work in an industry that is media, fashion or creatively based. that's right, they aren't directors, musicians, advertisers, designers, or stylists. how i ended up here i have no idea, but my friends take it as a good sign as creatively inclined men are now apparently banned by my group of friends because the novelty of the dramas i encounter whilst dating them have lost its charm.

these new guys are completely different to any men i've ever been attracted to. not just in their jobs, but in their culture and their physical looks. and they are both closely connected to people i really care about and love. which makes it a little bit difficult. they're both really smart guys, really loved by my friends. i'm attracted to both of them. one is slightly more mad and i guess close to who i am as a person. the other i know is the type of man that anchors a girl, the type that would be supportive and loving. the the second guy is the one whom i know will be interested in pursuing something more than just sex. the first guy has basically showed me his cards and confessed he's not in a relationship space at the moment. and although i don't know if i want a relationship with him, i do know we have chemistry. and it's been so long since i've just wanted to grab someone and all i want to do is just kiss them. just completely and utterly kiss them as deeply and passionately as i can.

the toy boy

michaela has a new man, a toy boy who's as much younger than her as spy guy is older than me. you could say we're testing both ends of the spectrum.

she's over the moon and in complete bliss as he's pretty eager, romantic and affectionate. i can't help but live vicariously through her enthusiasm and excitement, experiencing a euphoria purely from her positivity. he does the cutest things,  makes thoughtful little gestures, can't keep his hands off her and i get the feeling he can't stop thinking about her. it's obvious he has good taste and is besotted with michaela, and it made me wish the men in my life were more overt in their affections, or are more into me.

but then toy boy is from a culture of hot-blooded males, and spy guy is from a culture of rational, noncommittal and slightly reserved males. though both guys have an appreciation for high fashion and are good in bed, but that's where the similarity ends.

listening to michaela's description of toy boy was a good reality check on my feelings for spy guy.
we've known since day one it can't go anywhere long term. not unless both of us are prepared to make huge decisions to change our lives.

and i suspect he does not think about me half as much as i think about him. which is at least once a day. he may try and use language as an excuse, but i think if you like someone, you like them. enough said. when i think about someone all the time, i want contact. i want to speak to them, i want to see them, i want to be in bed with them. though typically if i get all of that, i get bored and move on. i get the feeling spy guy is trying to ration me - either to maintain his own levels of interest, or as he said, to stop our friendship crashing and burning for moving to fast.

all in all, toy boy 1, spy guy 0

the delicious slow non-burn

since i've been back i've intiated two bits of contact with spy guy.
one was an e-mail just saying hey, what's happening.
the other was an invitation to lunch a few days later.
i didn't get any response.

so right when i was trying to sort something that could be the difference between an epic disaster or a cannes grand prix, there's a pop up telling me i have an email from him. i fired off a quick reply and somehow his response got buried under a ton of work crap. as i was leaving the office late last night i received a text from him asking if i'm around for a drink. turns out he'd just landed at heathrow. i guess the thing with what he does is that an out of office auto reply isn't really appropriate.

so we meet up at a local spot which happened to be closer to my pad than his and shoot the breeze. it was all very friendly and buddy like. he also got distracted by the tv quite frequently which frankly was off putting but it's what you do with buddies. you can be yourself and do whatever you want. i guess my body language was quite inviting, more than he'd initiated. but we definitely leaned in towards each other as the night progressed, though since it was late they kicked us out pretty much after one drink.

as we left he fell into step with me as i turned in the direction to head home and then we're half way down the first block when he catches my finger with his hand. we ended up holding hands the short walk back to my apartment. i thanked him for walking me home, he bent to kiss me and next thing i know he's suggesting that he walks me upstairs. which is fine by me. i ask if he wants to sleep over and he says only if it's fine with me. which is damn fine by me.

we end up necking and fell asleep. then waking up and doing more than necking. followed by more sleeping, and some very excellent ways to wake up in the morning.

the thing with a fling is when they're getting dressed in the morning it's kinda awkward. you feel like a sloth if you go back to bed when your guest is about to leave, too eager if you watch them get dressed in silence. i'm not sure what the appropriate behavior is under these circumstances. but it was most definitely a very good evening.

guess there are benefits to the delicious slow way of getting to know someone.
i just hope it's more frequently than a monthly occurence.