this is definitely one of the dreariest evenings in a while. and winter hasn't even hit yet.
my job is cutting my self respect like nothing else has.
at least i got to come home to lovely flatmates, good friends who offer a warm home.
thing is, they are moving out this weekend, so maybe my mood is affected by the change in my home.

this morning i got a message from mitch who told me he'd broken up with his girlfriend. which was funny wierd as i ran into mitch, cynthia and a bunch of their friends last night on the way to dinner, and i'd assumed the stress i felt from them was from work related junk.

i'm glad that they are 'big' enough people to make clean breaks before taking anything further, but i am puzzled at why mitch's now ex-girlfriend moved halfway across the world only to end a relationship. no one really knows what happens except for the couple involved, and i guess it really is no one else's business. but we're all nosy and curious and gossipy by nature, so of course we want to find out what happened. i can't help but think if mitch knew things weren't well why did he agree to her moving over? unless i was a twenty year old trying to work up the courage to move countries, and a semi-partner was beckoning from shores afar, it would be devestating to get there and then realise before even the three month mark that it's not working out. in your thirties, you've packed up your life and responsibilities to move. it's such a logsitical nightmare before the emotions even come into it.

is monogomy a fallacy?

or, in an age where the proliferation of the web and a free market society encourages an overflow of information, goods and services, with kids assailed from a young age with endless choices and encouraged to purchase anything they want, in a highly dispoable society encouraged by freedom of access, have we lost the ability to pick one thing and cherish it and hold on to it forever?

is there always going to be something better around the corner? and instead of holding out for it, should we have a bird in hand and a huge sack to put it in before reaching for the two in the bush?

i'm a romantic. i'd like to think that out there, there's a perfect person for everyone.
or, if they're not 'perfect', then at least they are perfect for you. for your growth, for your everyday.
i don't believe in having your cake, eating it, and sneaking in a mouthful of muffin in between.
you either choose the cake and stick with it, go to an open buffet or just go on a diet.
otherwise it's just plain greedy, and really quite awful.

the thing is, i think i'm part of a rare breed. maybe it's the industry i work in, full of nubile young attractive people feeding off the energy and the thrill of competition and staying on top of your game. apparently it's something that's work related. work affairs happen all the time. that's quite depressing. i guess 1950's housewives didn't have much else to distract themselves with except the milkman. or the gardener. or maybe it's something that's been happening for years but i just choose not to notice or see.

my friend cynthia stayed over the other night. after four martinis on a school night, it all comes out.
cynthia is in love with a guy at her work. who's about a decade older than she is (see, it's starting. all the big age gaps between couples, and for some annoying reason why is he always the older one?). the thing is, he has a girlfriend. who just moved to london. whom cynthia claims she likes. actually, i believe her. cynthia seems to be genuninely friendly, and the girlfriend in question is a very sassy girl whom i respect very much. so returning to our happy story, cynthia and mitch are apparently in love with each other and now have the agony of having to work together closely each day and know that they cannot act on that love they feel for each other. i don't know how much of this love was explored. frankly, knowing both cynthia and sassy girlfriend, i find the less details i know, the better off i am.

apparently it's obvious to all of our close male friends. i've certainly detected an attachment they seem to have with each other, but stupidly enough i thought it may be affection from two very good friends. so either all the cynics out there are right that men and women can't be friends. or i'm just stuck in my own little bubble where love is forever.

what makes me sad is that the sassy girlfriend is loosing out most. if cynthia is right and mitch has never felt that way with anyone else as he does with her, then what is mitch doing letting his gilfriend move halfway across the world to live with him? she gave up her life to come over here to crappy weather and cold hard people. i know you should never move for someone, you should move because you yourself want to move. but it angers me that mitch, whom i love, and might i had had entertained a crush or two back in the day, would subject two women to such an undesirable situation. from what i hear he feels torn, and i certainly don't know how things are with him and his girl, but frankly they are all going to get hurt, and unfortunately mitch probably will be hurt least of all in the whole process as he has the most control.

i ran this episode by a few people at work recently. and none of them seem to subscribe to my one person theory. i think my parents are right. the world is becoming so much more disatisfied and demanding, so no one commits anymore and they are all searching for something better to come along, rather than working and building something great with what you already have. it's always the next shiny new toy. the coveting. it's exhausting. if you don't have kids, and you meet someone whom you're attracted to, frankly if you're not in an open relationship you may as well say goodbye so you can have your fun like a honest person, not some slappert trying to get with as many guys as possible.


Ah, nothing like a bit of anger.

after a long period of web absence due to the english summer and nights out, i find myself back online again with multicoloured thoughts swrilling into a muddy concoction in my head.

life is a normal bittersweet sweat, with highs and lows like the doodles of a preschooler trying to draw a mountain skyline. with bits of chocolate (good) and canned spaghetti (bad) smeared across the page.

last night for the first time in months, i met a guy who i was attracted to. he was cute, fun, and when we were still up at 3am in the morning sitting on a bench in the warm night air with his arm resting on the seat behind me and our sides touching, it entered my mind it would be great to kiss him.

but i didn't, and there were many reasons. he's the friend of a girl who's almost like a sister to me, and i think she likes him. i got the feeling that she liked him from the way she interacted with him. maybe i was seeing intimacy and fondness heightened from our party enhanced state. or maybe it was my own acute awareness. but either way, she is not a girl who is possesive of her male friends (unlike yours truely), so i had a hunch that her feelings may be on the side of more than friendship. reason one to exit stage left. he's also a bit younger than me and given the state of my fragile ageism would not be good. strike two. even if reasons one and two didn't exist, we were in a small party, so it would have been very rude to make out like a bunch of teenagers.

but at the leave start to brown and the air turns colder, there's a glimmer of hope and a bout of spring in my psyche which hopefully will carry me through the next few weeks of craziness.