sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

I read an article recently about what is the song that plays in your mind, your heart.

And i guess I'm an optimist. for me, that song is 'sunshine, lollipops and rainbows'. though i've never felt that song in real life. maybe one day.

i've also realised that i need to let go of hope. i've kept a bottle of my last squeeze's favorite beer in the fridge. one bottle. i guess it was a stupid, romantic, optimistic view that he would realise that he wants to be with me and he's made a huge mistake.

but the reality is, he didn't want to be with me. we weren't right for each other. he let me down, i optimistically and stupidly thought he would come around. do some great big gesture. read this and realise that he made a huge stupid mistake. but life doesn't happen like that. in real life, you're just the transitional person to help them regain confidence. to give them the strength to pursue some crazy thing with someone whom they have a more amazing connection with that makes two people change who they are because they love each other enough.

and, as the years go by, you realise that it's never going to happen. you have a vague hope that one day, even if you're in your 70s you'll meet that guy who's the one. but you know that it's not really going to happen. and maybe you need to face up to the fact that life isn't a romantic comedy. and your role is to be that transitional person for every guy you've known since you were 16. it's not great, but at least you're finally coming to terms with your role in this universe.

the thing with getting older is that you know there's a smaller pool of fish out there.

you don't want to be that step mom who's the same age as the kids. but your alternative is to be the one who's actually a bit old for the peter pans you met. the one who they spout all that shit about you being amazing and all that, but really, they can't see what's really special enough about you.

the truth is, you know they're not right for you. but it still sucks big time that you're not the one whom they actually, for the first time in a decade, want to make the effort for. someone who's so special and worth it to them that they want to man up or. in the end, even though they're not what you were looking for, you're not what they would think is worth manning up for. that's probably what's the biggest slap in the face. all that bullshit about how special you are, how they can't get enough of you - it's all bullshit. after nearly thirty years, you think you can detect bullshit.

but maybe, when you're relaxed because you have a lot of love around you, and a lot of positive relationships, and you let go, just that once - and let's face it, it's all to do with timings - you fall flat in the mud. in your favorite outfit.

and it makes you realise that none of that matters. you think you're special to someone, some putz who at that moment in time thinks he really likes you and adores you and tells you that you make him so happy. and for a while, you love waking up with him. waking up to feel his arm around you, his fingers intertwined with yours. the way he looks when he's sleeping. the way he doesn't mind your kicking and snoring in bed and the fact that you have to pee a million times in the middle of the night. but one day, it all comes to a head and you realise you're not the only girl he's saying that to. and what's worse - you don't mean jack. you're a transitional stop-gap to the girl he loves. whom he didn't expect to meet.

the one good thing about this is that you helped someone gain enough confidence in themselves to meet the one. there's always a silver lining in these things. it's like the say - those who can't, teach. and until i loose my looks, i suppose i'll keep on teaching and transitioning.

but the next guy who tells me i'm beautiful and a catch, i think i'll slap him and walk away. after fucking him, of course.

what's the best way to return someone's stuff?

messengering seems the most adult way, but why spend money on the past?
donating it to charity seems the most sensible solution.
throwing it out always seems cathartic.

so what do i do?

it's friday night, i just got home, am exhausted, should definitely have gone to nyc for the weekend (though would have missed my connection at lhr) and have a night of pizza or whatever is in the fridge the boys have leftover to look forward to.

if the last guy who happened upon this blog when i accidentally left it open (trust is an overrated thing) is snooping (luckily this blog doesn't get enough hits to be searchable i think) he would be enjoying an ego boost of ridiculous proportions that i am for a friday night at home typing whilst he's busy with the love of his life.

think i'm a bit cranky as i just came home from the city of angels, where everyone has shiny hair and teeth, zero body fat and permanent help at home. the thing with being over the hill is the things that never used to bother you do now. the fact that you can't hold down a relationship, you don't meet someone you like enough to put yourself out there for, you don't meet someone who likes who you really are, but thinks you are amazing because, well frankly you're still hot and fun and smart and nice and thus makes them feel better about themselves and you give them the confidence to go out to meet someone they want to be with who is dirtier in bed than you (ok that's not possible, even i can acknowledge that true love makes sex better and hotter).

sometimes i think if i'm such a good transitional person for so many men across the ny-lon (and parts of chicago, sf, la and oregon), where is my equivalent?

i've realised that dating is really awkward. i mean, with the right people, it's fun. but after giving out my tenth fake number and meeting very cute men who happen to have a ring on their finger at cafes (i've realised i look like a cartoon character - my return smile is accompanied by that downward glance which upon identifying that gold or platinum band returns my gaze anywhere but back to the cute guy).

i understand the appeal and thrill of flirting if you are completely committed to your partner. and maybe that's what keeps your relationship fresh and your sense of appreciation for each other. but really, folks, you should be so lucky to meet someone whom you adore so much who you deserve.