putting yourself out there

i had drinks with a friend this week. who was subjected to my verbal diarrhea that a cute guy who isn't ambitious can get a lot of hot chicks, and is insecure and messed up enough to think he can tell a girl he thinks she's wonderful but want to see other people (and like them more than her that he actively pursues them) and then tells her he doesn't want to hurt her - or, here's the best bit, wait for it - doesn't want to be hurt by her, but a cute neurotic just can't even get a date. how clueless is a guy if he thinks a girl is dumb enough to believe that he means what he says if he's saying it to another girl? actually, i'm being harsh. he does mean it. he just has the same strong feelings for very different girls. at least i didn't string guys along the very few times when i was lucky enough to have more than one guy interested in me. i ripped the band aid.

i lie. men talk to me. 50, 60 year old guys who are kinda creepy. because, yes i have double standards and i am shallow as if the guy who had the same approach is in this 30s, i would be delighted and excited and flirty. so, weak guy goes out, approaches girls, meet girls he connects with and pursues, whilst i'm too weak to cut him off because we have hot sex. the sad thing i don't think i'm weak because of my permissiveness. if i had a dozen guys on rotation i wouldn't mind. but going through a drought at the moment makes me seem like the weaker link. i don't get it. i don't want him as a boyfriend - well, ok i lie, i think he could make a good boyfriend (if he wasn't attracted to and seeking other women) - but he's not what i'm looking for in a long term partner. and whilst i'm not looking for a long term partner, he's not used to the things which i'm used to and thinks half of my circle are snobs. he's the opposite of spy guy - who flies planes, plays polo, and basically gets what i get. i could never take weak guy to the opera. oh he'd be up for the adventure, but he doesn't own a tux (thought at least unlike spy guy he doesn't wear denim jackets).

so i go to drinks tonight with tallulah,  my very sexy, pretty and warm friend who actually meets guys. tallulah wants a relationship, but hasn't met someone who wants to be in a relationship whom she wants to be in a relationship with. and she has a half a dozen guys who she's seeing, but they don't want to commit to her though i secretly think she wants to commit to them. it just gets depressing, and it's made me realise that whilst it's hard on men and women, men have the upper hand. they don't get attached, they don't get needy, and most of them just cruise through.

i think i'm just a bit upset that i'm not as manly as i thought i was. that i let insignificant things bother me when i should not even waste an ounce of energy thinking about this.

but on the flip side, i see my friends who have been hitched for years and are still happy and in love despite having gone through some bad times, and it makes me feel better that there are actually some nice guys out there and that if you're lucky, you can meet someone whose bad habits you'll actually miss if they weren't around.