aurora is internet dating.
someone as attractive and popular with the opposite sex as she is has taken up the most popular way to meet the opposite sex for the modern singleton. i guess there's nothing for the rest of us to do but embrace it.
yet, as i look through her app as she shows me the pool, i'm freaked out about the calibre of people out there online. yes, i will be one of them. and yes, that is what someone viewing their friend's profile will think of my profile - they'll look at me and think, that's all that's left?
i'm typing into three open windows (i'm efficient) the most popular dating sites. yet, i fail in registering. i can't bring myself to date online again. if you're as attractive as aurora, you can. you simply can do whatever you want. but for girls who learned the truth at seventeen, this rule does not apply. furthermore, i believe in chemistry. which is rather ridonkulous given where that's got me. spy guy and i hardly speak now since he's posted away from london. the last guy i had crazy what-may-be-chemistry with fucked me over. or rather, fucked someone else over me, because he needs to be free.
i start to wonder if i am repeating a pattern from my youth. i don't think it's related to my unattractive teenage years. i mean, i got to college and phwoar it all went off. but my college boyfriend and i did not have the most healthy relationship. he browsed, i tried to browse but just ended up with losers. so maybe it is conditioned in me that given what is expected of me, i will never be able to find someone whom i like who will like me who will confirm to what is expected of me. and thus, i can't be picky, so i need to just, i guess, desperately in some way, take what i can. i don't think i am desperate. but someone close to me once said i was. maybe she was right.
so now, i meet guys whom i demand nothing of. non-commital? great, suits me just fine. fling? great. exactly what i need. we know we're never going to end up in the same continent anyway. need other people, other connections, to be with women half my age, because what we have just isn't enough for who you are and want to be right now? sure, go ahead, do whatever you want, and sure, come fuck me in between other people.
i don't think relationships are easy. they take work. but sometimes, when i look at the people i've encountered - and i am rather fond of them - i wonder if the people who are lucky enough to meet someone they do want to be with are made of different stuff.
i think they are.
