i guess sometimes a girl needs a lot

my friend aurora has always enjoyed male attention and admiration.
to the point where she has no idea that it's something unique to her and her alone.

she's attached to three guys, who are all in love with her in some shape or form, but none can commit to her. i think she wants a commitment. with two of the three. and i guess the fact that non of them have tried to lock her in, really lock her in without any doubts, that she feels the need to validate how many guys have left a light on for her.

i suppose i'd love it if the men in my life still desire me. i think they love me, in a platonic way, which is good because i'll have that love forever. it won't be intense and special the way they love their partner or their child, but it will be everlasting and a great source of moral support when my chips are down. but i've gone so far past the post that i can't imagine any of them having loved me in that romantic way. maybe i'm a cynic, maybe i'm building that wall so they can't sucker punch me.

in a way i envy aurora. i envy her ability to allow herself to connect with someone. whilst i'm sure it helps that she's one of the best groomed and attractive of my social circle, she's not afraid to put herself out there. she looks good, it helps that she's kind and smart and has a killer figure, so she's never had problems with male attention.

but then i look at my other friends. the happily single should-be-married-by-now girls like michaela, the happily in love despite the crap they've weathered and stronger for weathering it couples who though smart and beautiful are not modelesque like aurora. and i'm happy for these friends. i'm sure one day i will envy and i hope not pity myself for not having what they have. they give me hope that life, whilst rich, can be even more amazing with the right partner in crime.

i guess sometimes a girl just needs a lot.