i'm not good with this whole idea of a relationship, and i'm petrified of the idea of being in love with someone. the commitment of putting yourself out there, ready to be shot down, is the worse thing i can imagine. well, that and failing in my career or having my friends turn on me.

but i find myself increasingly attached to chemistry boy. i like the way his skin feels. warm and soft, hairy and manly as he wraps his arms around me whilst we snuggle on the couch. the way the scent of his apartment lingers in my hair after i spend the night sleeping in his bed. the fact that i'm heading to back to the city for a week and missing him already because he's going to japan for a buck's week. that i missed him as even as i was kissing him goodbye in the car this morning. not even a proper kiss, but a peck on the lips which i bestow upon all my good friends.

i hate that i freaked out when he mentioned his first love when we were hanging out during the weekend, about the lingering chemistry that others can detect with them. nevermind that my mr. big is now in my close circle of friends - that doesn't count as big and i have moved on and he's met his true love, and i have no desire to ever see him naked again. i don't think i'm ready to be in a relationship, because i have the ability to feel insecure about a throwaway comment made as we were waiting at the bar to order our drinks.

caitlin, my best friend from the city, thinks i hold my cards too close to my chest. i never reveal my hand, and i have a wall higher than savannah ever had. she thinks my wall is deceptive because savannah actually treats everyone of the opposite sex with contempt, whilst i'm friendly but guardedly distant. i guess she has a point. you don't go through college with someone and watch them grow and not learn anything after more than a decade of friendship.

caitlin thinks it's time i shed the fear and tell chemistry boy how i feel. but i just can't do that. i don't understand the extent of his commitment, i know he has issues about certain things, and i don't get a gut feeling he's ready for me. i don't think it's just my fear that is driving that, but this sinking feeling of truth that in moments of clarity i find.

so i'm now stuck in this bind of neediness which i hate. and i wonder what is worse - to try and prove my detachment and desirability (which turns me into one of the girls i hate who just have to justify themselves with affection and lust from the opposite sex) in the city where men just have a radar to pick up women who no longer live in manhattan, or to just immerse myself in the old places i miss whilst there is still a glimmer of summer.

it's like... a pair of cashmere socks

i've been spending a bit more time with chemistry boy. it's true what they say, after a while, the chemistry fades. it's still there, but more like the scent that lingers on the skin at the end of the day, when you get really close to someone and smell their scent mixed with their perfume, rather than that whiff that hits you as they pass you in the morning.

we're not a couple. at least i don't see our behavior as that of a couple. we do couply things. we hang out without sex, we snuggle on the couch whilst watching the bbc, and our family kinda knows the other person exists. but we don't see each other every week. we don't call every day. in fact i leave answer phone messages a lot. the fact that i'm not really counting how much i'm up on him with the phone calls kinda scares me a little.

what does this all mean?

snuggling with him is like putting on your favorite pair of cashmere socks. it's so comfortable you just want to prolong the experience, even though it's not really practical for day to day living. it's like prastesi sheets, freshly laundered. and even though i only saw him this morning, i already miss him.

i'm sure it's not healthy, i'm sure it's just a phase, but sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to have someone you like. even if you're not sure about them.