i wish i knew

i've been spending time with chemistry boy. in a decidedly more intimate way. when you see your lover and you don't have sex, you just hang out, that becomes intimate. it's funny how in a relationship - to use the word in the literal sense - that is based on being physically intimate, it's the moments you are not physical that makes the interaction more personal.

i like chemistry boy. from a purely shallow point of view, he has these lips that are just delicious. the expression melt-in-your-mouth comes to mind when i'm kissing him. it's like cotton candy. and i've noticed he sometimes says thing just as i'm thinking them. it's like a split second after i have a thought he speaks it. i'm not sure if i've just become aware of something that actually happens alot but most people don't notice, so it makes the whole co-incidence or rather normal train of human thought seem like a unique thing between two individuals. i mean, if you walk past a hot dog stand, nine out of ten people would think something like 'ooh a hot dog stand' or 'man i'd love a hot dog right now' - which really doesn't say as much about two people's psyche as it does the human condition when faced with certain symbols.

the thing is, around the same time i met chemistry boy i also met calvin. calvin, like chemistry boy, isn't anyone i am normally attracted to - we're talking pale white anglo saxon englishman. but whilst chemistry boy and i have this thang - where we're sitting in a car and i feel a mild buzz just by being in a confined space with him, calvin gives me a feeling that's intense in a different way. i remember looking into his eyes once - albeit we were quite intoxicated at that stage, but i feel like i saw something there. i think it was a type of certainty, or a confidence of some sort that we would end up together. or maybe he was just wired and looking at me and i was sleepy and misinterpreting an intense drunk look for something profound. but part of me did think - maybe this is it. maybe he's the one i'm going to give it a shot with. i don't know what it was or why i feel that. i don't know what scares me more - the thought of commitment, the thought of really letting myself like someone, the thought of someone liking me for real, or that i imagined it all.

i can't exactly see any of these guys back in the city with me, although i imagine they would fit in very well in their own way. but they would be so different to my crowd of people, though calvin i'm sure would fit well with the upper east side crowd, but get down with the downtown crew.

at the end of the day, i don't have to decide yet do i? i mean, it's london, not kentucky...