past, present and future

one night on the way home from work i bumped into the first guy i ever slept with.
i hadn't seen him for half a decade, and even then it was a chance meeting on the street in town,
And now i bump into him on the subway, halfway across the world.

i should mention here that he was a bit of a putz. to his credit he didn't cheat on me or anything my boyfriends did. maybe because he never got to my heart he never had a chance to make me feel vulnerable. but he was a frat boy with jock mentality without a body to match. mind you he's making way more than i am so at least he's doing better careerwise than me. i don't get it. i'm definitely smarter!

it was nice to see him as it's always good to see a friendly face from home. but i was definitely glad to get off at my stop. he dished out a few compliments but frankly they just felt sleazy. he's not old, but boy he gives out the vibe of a dirty old man.

which got me thinking that at least after him my taste in men improved. my exes were all intelligent cool guys who despite their quirks were good boyfriends when we dated. my ex shag buddy and i have a love for each other that sustains a friendship despite the crazy chemistry, and the friendship builds a foundation that is special and real. my latest ex and i still harbour feelings for each other, and whilst he does drive me nuts as i do him, he offers moral support that lifts me from my darkest moments.

as for the one who got away, he's now happy with his new girlfriend. i'm glad i resolved to put him out of my heart six months ago. otherwise i would be deeply affected by his new relationship. we had a beer recently where he confessed that this new girl is the only person who he thinks can break his heart. and it made me realise that he is taking a huge leap into the unknown with this relationship. he's putting his heart out there, and for that and how much he means to me as a friend i hope it works out.

as for me, i realised there's a long way to go before i'm ready to be with someone. london is a hard city for dating, so i'm not having much luck. blatantly shameless flirting is not my style, nor getting tarted up with my boobs hanging out. all the new yorkers i've spoken to here agree that london is way though.

i'm old enough to want someone who will respect me and love me for who i am, and i can't be bothered preening and pretending to be someone i'm not just to get a guy.