it's a damn cliche, but a guy with mediocre prospects, purely being a man, is a lot more attractive, than a girl who is attractive and more successful.

after spy guy and i parted ways, i met someone whom i was ridiculously attracted to. aside from looks, he didn't fit most of my long term partner wish list. and frankly, he freaked me out a little with his earnestness and his apparent affection for me. still, i listened to caitlin and the few friends i spoke to, and decided to let go. pushed myself off the top of the slide and enjoyed the ride, pushing any doubts i had away.

that's the last time i do that. what type of guy professes his affection, then decides he is so desperate for that certain connection and closeness with someone that he finds solace in someone else - someone whom he met after you? it goes to show that once you're past your twenties, it's mostly downhill where men are concerned. you try and be open minded, less judgemental about the baggage which the men you meet carry.

but in the end, it doesn't matter.

you can be an attractive, smart girl, with slightly less desirable job prospects. but a guy with less prospects, who doesn't even own a smartphone, is infinitely more desirable to the opposite sex than you are. maybe part of the whole schitck is as a girl one approaches men less. but ultimately, you're at least 5, 10 years older than the other women they desire.

i guess in the end it doesn't really matter. when you're young, there's a certain romanticism than comes with longing for someone, longing to meet someone, or the hope and the optimism that one day, if you're true to who you really are, you will meet someone who absolutely adores you. someone who likes you enough to put up with all your bad habits, and is happy to tolerate that no matter what happens.

then one day you wake up and realise there's only five, ten more years before you will drop off the radar of the opposite sex. you're not financially stable, you'll never have kids, and you may end up as that cliched woman whom your friends secretly pity. the one who had all the potential, but never knew how to close the deal. the stupid cynical romantic who thought if she was true to what she wanted, she'd eventually meet her match.

but you wake up one morning - or rather, not being able to sleep one morning, three hours before your car service is picking you up for a pitch across the atlantic, where you need to be focused and at the top of your game, and realise that you've let your stupid romantic notions wash over you and as a result you're now suffering humiliation, which really you've brought onto yourself. one should really learn to not express how one feels to the one who fucked you over. but a message sent is sent, and so you lie awake at night, thinking about how stupid you are, instead of thinking about work. what is the point of confessing you feel lost without some schumck who can't wait to find someone else just hours after you left for the city? what type of needy, sad, desperate emotional wreck craves the false attentions of a weak man that she can't help but try and get in touch with him when she knows is lying in bed with someone else?

guess i don't have as much balls as i thought i did. which is a shame really.